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Battles and Tests

Hard times seem to be upon me. I am still very grateful for life, for love, my job, may counselor, my family, and my sanity. I have been dealing with some lifechanges and the toll it takes on my mind, body, and spirit. I have put pressure on myself to do the right thing and be honest but it doesn't always work out that way. I just lost one of my greatest inspirations, protectors, heroes. My cousin passed away this week and the toll it's taken on my has weighed heavy. I'm all the way in Florida when the rest of my family is miles and hours away. I'm so far and can't be with them immediately. And there is a chance I may not be able to make the funeral. I have a lot of my mind and it's weighing on my spirit! I have struggled to manage relationships in my life and especially this year. Within my evolution I reevaluate constantly and right now I'm in an incurable space of managing myself, the future, new and old relationships. The different levels of friendship and expectations I place on people have plagued my mind a bit. I've met several new friends this year that feel like home. Instead of being okay with the natural selection and see how things go I can sometimes instantly go to three questions. Is it a season? What's the reason? Is this a lifetime? I have often immediately moved into the lifetime slot of friendship treatment quicker than I needed should. I am now struggling sharing and over sharing. How much is too much? Should I just let it go or should I say something that's bothering me or has bothered me? Even though the situation has passed I'm that person that will sit with it and reassess and over analyze until I understand the feeling that I feel. "Put You First" they say. "Your Feelings Matter The Most" they say. I'm preparing to head into my next chapter of life less fearful. I would like to be completely fearless but I acknowledge my growth and I understand and accept, well at least I'm trying to accept the journey that shall take many paths. I'm committed to honesty and acceptance of myself! This 3.0 plus version of me has my heart and I will protect the heart by any means necessary. I'm first and I'm ready to put my feelings first. I can not worry about who thinks what of me. What I think will be/is most important! For so long I've looked outside of myself for love and care and wisdom. Friendship and love. It is very necessary now more than ever for me to gather all of these needs and wants from myself first.


Have A Major Day and Pray

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